


Home Away from Home

by Ryu_Reikai_Akuma



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Uncle/Nephew Incest, running away/eloping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-11 01:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2047785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma/pseuds/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili thought running away from home to be with Thorin meant he would be happy, but he was sorely wrong. Starting a new life wasn't easy and guilt and longing haunted him. Lonely and regretful, Kili must now choose between returning to the family he had hurt or staying with the man he had fallen for.</p><p>Fanart and extra line added.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home Away from Home

Kili was quiet as he walked into his new home. It was nothing fancy. Paint on some parts of the wall peeled off and there was a little discoloration on the floor and ceiling, but otherwise everything seemed quite clean. There were a few old furniture bought hastily at bargain price so the house would be ready to be lived in, and not much else. The only decorations were pale curtains hiding them from view. The lack of personal paraphernalia emphasized how this was just a furnished living space. The lack of sounds conversation and laughter in familiar voices reminded Kili that he was far from home.

“Kili?”

Kili turned to his lover beside him. Thorin looked old and tired, having spent days on end preparing for this moment. He didn’t look as impeccable as he usually was. His clothes were wrinkled from long hours on the road and his stubbles had grown longer than usual. Thorin looked at Kili with a mildly worried look, waiting for his verdict.

It was hard to smile when guilt and anxiety nagged at his mind and bore down on his chest. Kili felt lightheaded, the air felt too thin, his feet wanted to turn away then run. But Kili smiled and pressed a kiss on the corner of Thorin’s lips.

“I like it,” Kili said with as much honesty as he could muster. He then left to inspect the rest of the small house, not wanting to show Thorin his fears and discontent. He knew sooner or later his mask would crack and Thorin would see, as he never failed to do, Kili’s insincerity, but not today. Today Kili was supposed to be happy. Today he was to lie.

* * *

The bedroom felt wrong. The way the shadows fell on the walls wasn’t right. The muffled noise from their neighbor’s TV was an odd dimension. The distant barks of dogs were unsettling. The sound of cars driving down the street was unfamiliar and alarming.

It wasn’t like the hotel rooms Kili had stayed in before or when he was staying at his friends’ houses. It didn’t feel this lonely or strange. He didn’t usually felt he must go away, go home, go to where he belonged. But he had nowhere else to go to. This was his home now.

Kili watched Thorin sleep beside him, his arm thrown protectively over Kili’s abdomen. The older man had fallen asleep almost immediately after dinner. The events of the day-hastily packing their belongings, rushing to the train station, then coming here-had exhausted him. Kili felt bad for him. He hadn’t been able to help as Thorin quietly sold nearly everything he owned, gave up his job, and arranged this new life for them. Kili was tasked only with distracting his parents and Fili, a meager contribution to this big scheme. Thorin never complained no matter how much Kili asked him during their late night calls, only telling him ‘soon’, ‘I can manage’, ‘be patient’, and finally ‘tomorrow’. Kili should show appreciation, at the very least he should feel content, but he wasn’t at all.

He had agreed to this, Kili reminded himself. He had wanted it. He had asked for it. He had spent what seemed like a lifetime wanting to lie beside Thorin at night, their arms around each other, without crippling fear of being discovered. There was no more need for stolen kisses or rushed love making followed by hasty cover up. There was no more need for longing looks and lies. There was no more need to hide anything anymore. But why didn’t it feel right?

* * *

They spent the next couple of days trying to make the house more comfortable. Thorin used what’s left of his money for food and other essential items. They spent quite a bit of money buying a TV and a game console, then spent the night trying to figure out how to set both up. It was Thorin’s way of trying to lift Kili’s spirit, and so Kili smiled and kissed him in gratitude. He didn’t let Thorin know how the purchase really made him feel. The sight of the twin controllers and the familiar games made Kili’s heart sink. There used to be his brother playing these games with him, teasing him when he lost, complaining when he won. But now there was only him and Kili found himself unable to play it. The game console sat untouched for weeks.

* * *

Thorin found a job at a local office the next week, a simple job consisting only of sitting in front of a computer screen in a crowded room for eight hours a day. He could get a better work, but using his credentials wasn’t an option. They weren’t supposed to draw attention to themselves. Revealing that Thorin had run a rather successful family business in a city hundreds of miles away would undoubtedly raise questions.

There was nothing for Kili to do. Continuing education wasn’t an option-Thorin had only taken what’s rightfully his and Kili’s saving wasn’t much to begin with. He should look for a job, he really should. Thorin wasn’t the only one responsible for paying the bills and getting food on the table, the same responsibility fell upon Kili’s shoulder. But Kili couldn’t summon the will to look for a job, to write down his experience and skills as vaguely as possible, to hide his past from more and more people, to fear an expose with every word he said and every action he took. He couldn’t face the risk yet. He must. But he couldn’t. Thorin understood this and never forced this topic on Kili (always the favorite, always spoiled, always reckless and irresponsible. He’s not ready for this. He’s not). Kili wish he would force him.

* * *

Thorin began to work extra hours in his office, coming home late for dinner then immediately sleeping. Now more often than not they exchanged only a few words during breakfast, rushed updates of what they had done during their time apart. On weekends Kili let Thorin rest while he went to a nearby park, watching lovers, parents, children, siblings, and friends like the one he no longer had.

Kili kept a picture of his family. Thorin didn’t know this, or maybe he did but kept quiet about it. It was a picture of a summer vacation a few years ago. Dis sat down in front of her sons, smiling widely to the camera. Fili and Kili had their arms over each other’s shoulders. Kili made a silly face to the camera while Fili grinned at his stupidity. They looked like a perfectly happy family, and they had been a perfectly happy family. This picture was taken before Kili gained the courage to act on his sick infatuation with his uncle, before Thorin confessed mutual affection, before everything went wrong and they learnt to keep secrets.

Lying in the cold bed, in a house far too quiet, in a town far too far from home, Kili caressed the two faces in the picture longingly, wondering if what they thought of him now, wondering if he had done the right thing.

* * *

They had their first fight a few days later. Kili couldn’t remember what they were arguing about, only that it was something trivial. But Thorin was too tired to be lenient and Kili was too impatient. Their voices rose and rose until Kili slammed the front door behind him. He wandered aimlessly in the unfamiliar neighborhood, feeling cold without jacket and companion. Finally, he sat on a bench in a dark and deserted park. Kili’s eyes stung, his chest felt tight, but no tears came. He felt cold and nothing offered comfort. He felt lost and there was no map for direction. He wanted to get away from this problem but he had nowhere to go. This was his home now. His reality. His life. His problem. Whether he wanted them or was ready for them was inconsequential.

He didn’t know how long he had left. When he came back, the house was dark and very quiet. In the bedroom, Thorin had settled on his side of the bed, back turned toward the door. Hesitantly, Kili joined him.

The bed was cold. Thorin felt too far away. Kili closed his eyes tightly and reached out, his fingers just barely whispered on Thorin’s broad back.

“It shouldn’t be like this, should it?”

That night they made love for the first time in their new house, but Kili felt no joy.

* * *

Kili didn’t want to leave the bed. When Thorin got up to start his morning routine, he pretended to be asleep. He listened to the alien sounds of activities in the house, counting seconds and staring at the dirty wall opposite him. He closed his eyes tightly when Thorin stood by the bed perhaps to bid him good bye. He could feel Thorin waiting, watching, and he should, he really should get up and try to convince Thorin that all was well, that their fight had been resolved, that he was happy now that he had what they wanted. But he couldn’t. Kili resolutely kept his eyes closed until the front door was locked behind Thorin, until he was all alone again.

Kili forced himself out of bed an eternity later when sun shone bright and noises from outside the house were loud. He walked the path he had taken many times now but still felt unnatural. He studied the house which was now his and recognized nothing that indicated he belonged there. This didn’t feel real. He didn’t feel real. Kili felt as if he was dreaming, as if he wasn’t truly there, but he was-he knew he was. He leaned against a wall, taking deep breaths of air, trying to fill his seemingly hollow chest cavity with it.

An object on the coffee table caught Kili’s attention. It took only a moment for him to recognize it. He stared at his mobile phone in confusion. It shouldn’t be there. He had given it to Thorin to be disposed when they left their past. He hadn’t wanted any connection between him and those he loved but wouldn’t understand. He had been certain and determined. He should’ve started a completely new life away from them by now. He shouldn’t want to return to what used to be. He shouldn’t want to leave Thorin.

With shaking hand, Kili picked up his phone and turned it on. Immediately messages from family and friends came in, yet only one name caught his attention. Kili trembled as he read Fili’s messages.

_Where are you?_

_Are you OK? Where are you? Mum is really worried. Call us._

_Kili! Reply my texts or call me!_

_What happened? Why won’t you come home? Let me help you_

_Dwalin said you're leaving with Thorin. It's a lie, right?_

_Tell me it’s not true! Tell me you’re not with Thorin!_

_Did he force you to go with him? I swear if he does anything to you I’ll kill him!_

_Did he do anything to you? Get away from him when you have the chance! I’ll take care of everything_

_Are you leaving us for Thorin?_

_Is this what you wouldn’t tell me? Is this what it’s all about?_

_He’s family! This is disgusting!_

_How could you leave us for that bastard?_

_How could you do this to us?_

_How could you?_

_Mum is crying every day. Why are you doing this?_

_I don’t understand_

_I thought we’re good friends. I thought we’re the best of friends_

_Kili, answer me_

_Kili_

_Kili, please come home_

Kili gasped for breath as he read the final message, sent just yesterday. _Come home_ , he read over and over. He thought of the familiar house, the warm smiles, the happy laughter, the affection. He thought of his doting mother and caring brother. He thought of everything they had gone through in that house so far from where he was. He thought of the plans he had made with them there. He thought of what he made them go through with his stupidity. He thought of what he had done to ruin everything.

Kili’s breath was caught when his phone suddenly rang in his hand. It vibrated and lit up urgently. A name and a face flashed on the screen.

It was Fili.

* * *

A key was turned and the front door opened slowly. The sky was dark outside, the moon high in the dark blue with thunders rolling in the distance. The street was almost completely deserted safe for few brave and lonely souls. Others had returned to the safety and warmth of their homes a couple of hours ago, but Thorin had just arrived.

Thorin paused when he crossed the threshold, looking at Kili in shock, but he gathered himself shortly after, closing the door behind him. “I didn’t think you’d be here,” He said quietly.

Kili swallowed when he noted the slight crack in Thorin’s voice. “Where else would I be?”

“Home.”

The crushing pain in his chest was unexpected. “Do you want me to leave?” Kili accused, a feeling of betrayal clutching his heart.

Thorin looked at him for a moment before answering. “I only want what makes you happy.”

Kili wanted to say _this_ made him happy but that would be a lie. He could try to deny but Thorin knew the truth. They knew the truth.

This was what he wanted. At least he had wanted it once upon a time. He had wanted it when all he saw was himself, when he thought Thorin meant happiness, when he forgot about others, when he didn’t pay attention to consequences. But now he knew better. Now he remembered. Now he saw the results of his actions.

“It’s not too late,” Thorin said.

Kili looked at him and saw the man he fell for, the man he admired and adored, the man who knew him better than anyone else, the man he knew better than anyone else, the man he had given his heart to, the man who had given his heart to him. He saw him tired, miserable, scared, resigned and yet, above all else, loving.

His legs felt weak, barely able to support him, when he slowly walked toward Thorin. They stood before each other in silence, finally facing the full impacts of their actions. Kili took his phone out of his pocket. His fingers were barely able to coordinate and he took a shuddering breath when he picked a very familiar number as the recipient. His throat felt constricted as he lifted the phone to show the screen to Thorin.

_I’m sorry I can’t go home_

_I want to be with him_

Kili touched the send button without looking. He watched a wave of relief and pain and guilt and love on Thorin’s face. Kili threw his arms around his lover’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss. Thorin wrapped his arms around him tightly and kissed him tenderly and Kili sobbed, tears stinging his eyes.

* * *

He had forgotten how they used to make each other laugh, how they used to share secrets, how they used to lament the past, how they used to enthuse about the future. He had forgotten how warm Thorin was, how gentle and caring, how patient and giving. He had forgotten how Thorin made him feel safe, calm, loved, and belong. He had forgotten how much he enjoyed making Thorin smile, relax, forget his troubles, and content. He had forgotten how much he loved Thorin.

It took a while to relearn. Every word, every kiss, every touch, every look, every gesture felt new. They tread carefully, aware of the fragile state they’re in. They bridged the gap between them slowly, healed the wounds patiently, taking even more care than the first time they got together in a frenzy of suppressed love and lust.

Kili‘s fingers crept across the sheet in the dark. He breathed slowly, timing it with Thorin’s breaths. Fear made him hesitate a few times but he never stopped for long. He drew in a shaky breath as he found Thorin’s searching hand. Their fingers tangled, simple connection which spoke of determination, love, and commitment. Kili closed his eyes and smiled.

* * *

They met their neighbor when they’re taking a walk on a weekend a couple of weeks later, a curious but shy man who blushed when Kili caught him staring. Beside Kili, Thorin tensed up slightly. As an automatic response, Kili weaved secrets and denial in his mind but then he remembered where he was and what he had gone through with Thorin and took a deep calming breath.

“Good morning!” The neighbor greeted, looking a little flustered as he put his mails in the pocket of his robe. “Are you my new neighbors?” He asked, gesturing to their house with his pipe.

“We are,” Kili replied. “I’m Kili and this is my partner, Thorin.”

Kili ignored the look Thorin sent him and chatted with the neighbor. Thorin spoke little during the exchange but when they walked away later he grabbed Kili’s hand and gently squeezed it. He didn’t let go until they returned home.

* * *

“One day we’ll come back. We’ll explain. Maybe they’ll understand.”

“Maybe.”

“One day we won’t have to hide anymore. We won’t have to run anymore.”

“Maybe so. Maybe not.”

“Kili…”

“I don’t want to think too far ahead. We have this now. We have us now. That’s the only thing I want to think about right now. It’s our priority.”

“It won’t be easy.”

“No. But we’ll make it work, won’t we?”

“We will. I promise.”

“That’s all I ask.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”


End file.
